Random Thoughts

Today I apologized once again. For no fault of mine. And yet it killed another part in me. I somehow cannot comprehend the relationship between me and forgiveness. 

Source: Google Images

I still remember that one incident which had defined forgiveness for me in childhood. I must have been around 7 years old and had done something silly like hitting my younger brother and lying about it. My mom did not speak to me for 3 days as I refused to apologise. She ignored me, rather she ensured the whole house did not speak to me till I gave it and said sorry.

It happened many times after that.  First it began at home and slowly even in school. Sometimes my mom would let out some bad habit of mine to a friend asking her to boycott me for what I was. Kids that we were, my friend did not realise what she was doing. She took it all up in a playful manner and did exactly what she asked to, hurting me in that process.

Throughout my growing up years being ignored has been my biggest fear and because of that I see myself saying sorry more often than needed. Sometimes even at places where I don’t even need to. But the need, the need to have that person, that relationship and to not be ignored is so high that I just give in without a second thought to it.

Source: Google Images

People think of me as Ms. Goody goody two shoes that just keeps smiling and does not hurt anyone. One who is willing to go that extra mile just to ensure the other person is happy. Over a period of time this image has started hurting me now. For I have gotten so used to giving till it hurts. I have forgotten how to say No and most importantly I have forgotten to listen what I want.  

 Now everytime I apologise something in me dies for I know I did even when I was not at fault and it shows my vulnerability as a person towards that person and relationship. And yet still my biggest fear remains being ignored and left alone in this world and I continue to apologise to people without any fault at my end…..