Sarika Mishra – Regional Customer Service Manager the name plate read on the desk. Every time I read it, I felt a sense of pride building up inside me. This is it, it seemed to say. This is where I wanted to be and this is where I had finally reached. 9 years of non stop hard work, tears, sleepless nights, prayers to every deity that possibly existed, wishes made on falling stars- it all seemed worth while now.
If someone were to ask me about my journey I did not remember anything about it. The only thing I remembered was the starting point and my destination. I knew this was not my destination but it was one of the destinations I had envisaged for myself at some point of time.
Though the success was definitely giddy I still remembered my roots very clearly. I remembered that night when it had all ended or perhaps when it had all started for me.
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The pouring rain outside seemed to give me company that night as I continued crying for what seemed like the umpteenth hour. Within moments my whole world had come crumbling down like a pack of cards.
My parents had separated when I was 5 years old showing me that “I “matters the most. You need to think of yourself for no one else does that better than you, this was perhaps the first lesson of my life and I failed miserably in it the most.
All my life till now I have never been able to keep myself first as all I wanted was to have someone by me, with me, at any cost. I would do anything and everything to maintain that relationship with all my strength, holding on to the ropes tightly. I failed to recognize those ropes had long back lost their strength and all that I had in my hand were shredded remnants with nothing left on it. And today those ropes had broken finally plunging me into a never ending abyss.
Coming from a broken family all that I looked for was love -unconditional and unfaltering love. I just wanted one person on this earth who would love me for what I am, with my flaws and abilities. Little did I realize at that time, what I was looking for was nothing but a mirage? For such a thing did not exist in this world.
Like my parents had taught me, nobody but you can love yourself completely, unselfishly and accept yourself for all that you are. Nobody else can. But I conveniently forgot that lesson and continued my quest to meet someone who seemed to be the answer to all my questions. All I had was a baggage of unanswered questions in my eyes staring at an uncertain future with nothing but a flicker of hope in heart.
Saahil seemed to be shores my life had been in search of till now. He came like a gust of wind and blew me away along with him. I loved the love I was being showered with, the attention in which I basked. My love hungry soul now finally seemed to have found the fire to feed itself with. My thirst was quenched now as I had begun to glow inside out. He seemed to be all that was missing in my life till now. Mostly importantly he seemed the love that was badly needed in my life and yes I needed him more than anything else.
Within no time he became as important as my breath and all I could think of the entire day was him. I could not imagine a life without him and that one moment I decided to leave everything behind. Just for him. The whole world warned me against it but I was so blinded by love that all I could see was him.
It was not long before that love evaporated and all that remained was the harsh reality staring back at me with a smirk on its face. I suddenly found myself very lonely at that stage as the only person who meant the world to me and for whom I had left the whole world had today left me alone in a lurch. I was at a dead end. At a crossroads where all that clear was confusion and chaos and I had to make a choice; a choice between life and death! And I choose life.
I remembered the first lesson my parents had taught me and decided to learn it by heart before moving ahead. A relationship where “I” cannot be respected has not place for a “we” to exist. I concluded that nobody could treat me like a piece of tissue paper to be used only when they need. I demand to be respected, my heart seemed to scream and say.
It had been four weeks I had ended it all yet the pain inside me was gnawing as raw as ever. My heart was perhaps bleeding just the way my tears were refusing to stop. But that night I had decided enough was enough. How long was I going to carry on like this wallowing in self pity? This is not going to lead me anywhere. It was my decision to walk out of that relationship so crying over it right now seemed sheer waste.
That night I mourned a death. A death of love dreams and desires. I tore away all the memories associated with that relationship including the letters, gifts and photographs. I had decided this was the last time I was mourning for something which in the first place did not deserve to be there in my life. Something that can cause more pain than joy is just not worth it.
The next day when I woke I felt lighter. Though I had not slept properly and my eyes were puffy from all the crying I had done but then leaving behind the burden of an unwanted relationship definitely did wonders.
I gave my life a fresh start that day as I began to search for jobs. Nervous and scared in the beginning it all fell into place as my mind constantly kept telling my heart, there is nobody but you and you have to do it. One thing lead to other and one fine day I had a job in my hands. To say I slogged my way till here would be belittling my own efforts at work. Rather I like to say I have worked hard to be here and I deserve every bit of what I have got today.
When today I see people losing hope and killing themselves in despair I wonder what if had I done that 8 years ago. But then surprisingly that thought never came to my mind. I knew I wanted to live, the only question was how. And once that how was answered rest all fell into place. I wish people really understood end of dreams is not end of life. Rather it is a challenge life sends you to weave new dreams. And a challenge well accepted is a life well lead!
In life we are all born as cocoons surrounded by ugliness and have to make that journey to becoming a beautiful butterfly. The choice is ours, whether we want to remain ugly or become beautiful having endured all that pain and I choose to be a butterfly!
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