Monday, June 17, 2013

Random Thoughts



Today I apologized once again. For no fault of mine. And yet it killed another part in me. I somehow cannot comprehend the relationship between me and forgiveness. 

Source: Google Images

I still remember that one incident which had defined forgiveness for me in childhood. I must have been around 7 years old and had done something silly like hitting my younger brother and lying about it. My mom did not speak to me for 3 days as I refused to apologise. She ignored me, rather she ensured the whole house did not speak to me till I gave it and said sorry.

It happened many times after that.  First it began at home and slowly even in school. Sometimes my mom would let out some bad habit of mine to a friend asking her to boycott me for what I was. Kids that we were, my friend did not realise what she was doing. She took it all up in a playful manner and did exactly what she asked to, hurting me in that process.

Throughout my growing up years being ignored has been my biggest fear and because of that I see myself saying sorry more often than needed. Sometimes even at places where I don’t even need to. But the need, the need to have that person, that relationship and to not be ignored is so high that I just give in without a second thought to it.

Source: Google Images
People think of me as Ms. Goody goody two shoes that just keeps smiling and does not hurt anyone. One who is willing to go that extra mile just to ensure the other person is happy. Over a period of time this image has started hurting me now. For I have gotten so used to giving till it hurts. I have forgotten how to say No and most importantly I have forgotten to listen what I want.  

 Now everytime I apologise something in me dies for I know I did even when I was not at fault and it shows my vulnerability as a person towards that person and relationship. And yet still my biggest fear remains being ignored and left alone in this world and I continue to apologise to people without any fault at my end…..

16 comments:

  1. I am dying too. In a way similar to yours but not entirely. I too say sorry too often. It has become a part of my speech. I never looked at it this way before.
    "I have forgotten how to say No and most importantly I have forgotten to listen what I want. "
    Me, too. I feel you. What must be done, and what should have been done escapes me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :)

      I am glad I could make you look at it in a different way Momina..

      And yes I agree with your last lines here!

      Delete
  2. And I weep for you, and with you.

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  3. Very touching piece of writing! I've found that we share some characteristics...like not wanting to hurt 'anyone'. It's 'very' difficult to say a NO! I'm still learning. But I've realized that this kind of attitude creates problem and disturbs you sometimes. I've also found myself saying sorry unnecessarily...sometimes. Sometimes you have to do it for your dear ones. Apologizing for your fault is very thoughtful and good but without any fault...it's totally uncalled-for!
    Nice post!:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow... same pinch!!!

      And yes I am working towards it.... will let you know if it works ;)

      Delete
  4. Say sorry only if you have done any mistakes, This is what I was thought. Sometimes saying sorry means not telling its your fault but telling you care for ur relationship. But yes, telling sorry which makes you vulnerable is NOT okay. One must say NO when you sense that you are going to be taken for granted. Come on, you too are here to lead a good life. You deserve to ask something for those who keep asking you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :)

      I agree to each and every word you have said Sridevi.. but sometimes some behaviours are beyond reasons and hence lead to some things which are not in our control.

      I dont know if this made any sense though :P

      Delete
  5. This is very sad to apologize when one is not wrong.

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  6. Oh freak! What if I say I have had a similar story? (not the mum part)
    And now I apologize a lot, just that I don't know the reason for it, never gave a thought.

    Being ignored does hurt, a BIG time! :/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you say so I will believe you and HUG you tightly!!

      Coz I know how much it hurts and exactly where...

      Delete
  7. Hi,
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    Also, we'd also love to showcase you on Scooze and our Facebook Page as one of the esteemed expert members of the Books Gang on Scooze. Do let me know if you think this is okay. Our Facebook Page is http://www.facebook.com/scoozechoose.
    I look forward to your response.
    Thank you.
    Regards,
    Sahiba
    Team Scooze

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sahiba,

      Thanks so much for this message. Will surely check out the other details and join the gang :)

      I have liked your page on FB, is it possible for you mail me more details on my email - privytrifles@gmail.com.

      Thanks!

      Delete
  8. I was like you for quite a long time until I realized I was the one getting hurt and people did not care, so I started changing. Now I'm happy that I atleast dont hurt myself.
    I know it hurts to be ignored and it sucks to be hated, but nodding your head to everything and anything someone says also sucks, honey.
    I never say no to mom, I know the consequences after that :P

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    Replies
    1. Very rightly said dear.... and yes I am striving to rise about this for sure!

      HUGS <3

      Delete

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