Sunday, June 02, 2013

A touch-me-not’s tale




Source: Google Images
I was 9 when all this had happened for the first time. What do you understand when you are of that age… you just know your world is full of rainbow colours, sweetness of chocolates fills it, with lovely dolls for company and beautiful dresses to doll you up. Your mother is the magician for you as there is nothing that she cannot fix – broken dolls, injuries, torn notebooks, incomplete homework, pending projects anything was curable by her. I wish life continued to be in this blissful state as broken hearts and shattered dreams was something nobody could mend. 


That day was the first time when he “touched” me and I cringed at that. That day he added a new word to my dictionary – lust. Till then all I knew was about love. I believed people are born out of love and are to be loved, that’s it. I realized in the coming years that it was not the complete truth. There were also some people who were born out of lust and that is what kept them going; for time and again I experienced lust where I was expecting love.

All this made me a touch-me-not. Just like the plant, the moment someone touched me I would cringe and close the doors of my mind. After some years I had reached a stage where I hated human touch. I detested any human contact or proximity to one for that matter. And like that plant I continued to wilt away with all those touches that I felt everywhere I went. Till one day I felt enough was enough. I screamed so loudly that I felt my lungs would tear up today and I cried very badly to reach a phase where I felt there were no more tears left in my eyes. But it all fell on deaf ears as that day I learnt something new – I learnt that till now all that happened with me was my fault. I was wrong in considering myself a victim till now while actually all this while I was the main culprit behind this whole “touchy” affair. I lived in that guilt for many years till my soul one day finally gave up and screamed Guilty my lord!

Today after exactly a decade of getting that guilt as a gift I am throwing it away. My soul is tired of carrying something which in the first place it never deserved and hence I am doing away with it. And finally I choose to forgive myself….

Source: Google Images
I forgive myself because I believe for all that happened with me I am NOT at fault.

I forgive myself for I did NOT deserve this.

I forgive myself for I DESERVE to be respected and loved for all that I am.

I forgive myself as all that my heart ever wanted was love.

I forgive myself because I am neither a victim nor a culprit – Am a survivor!

Becoming a touch-me-not was not my choice or decision; it was something I was pushed into left with no other options. But today I choose to become a blossoming flower again radiating love, life and laughter for I deserve it!

Source: Google Images
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I am a part of a wonderful blogging group on FB called Indiblogeshwaris -Needless to add it has all women bloggers there as members and today we celebrate our 1st Anniversary. This post is a part of the anniversary celebrations where we had decided to do something we have not done till now in our lives.

I am a CSA survivor and since long I  have been carrying this guilt with me about me being the reason for all that happened with me. Hence I decided to let go of that guilt and forgive myself.

So this is to all of US - Happy Birthday Lovely Ladies, Cheers to many more such celebrations to come for each moment spent with you there seems like a fraction of a second and year just flew by as we all were busy laughing and cracking jokes!  HUGS to each one of you for making Indiblogeshwaris the way it is - SPEECIAL with an extra E for all the extras that we bring along here!

And this LOVELY picture is a collage of all the beautiful people I am surrounded with there, Thanks to Garima, who made this for us specially!

67 comments:

  1. Dear Privy,

    Firstly thank you for doing this. For yourself, for us, today. I know how difficult this journey would have been. And yet, you've reached a place where you can have the courage to let go. That is huge.

    I am so glad you gave this away today. I am wishing tons of happy thoughts, loved ones and Blogeshwari Madness for the rest of your life. Love you girl.

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    1. Hey :)

      Thanks so much ... you remember the day you announced this I had told you I know what I need to do eggzatly and I just needed a kick perhaps to work on it!

      Maybe this was THAT much needed KICK ;)

      Love you tooooooooooo and loads and loads of it toooo :*

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  2. So proud of you to finally put it behind you and forgive yourself. Hugs back to you and to all the lovely ladies of Indiblogeshwaris!

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    1. Thanks so much Rachna, glad to have met you here!

      Cheers :)

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  3. Aww hugs Privy kutty. I am glad you came out of the guilt that was never meant to be yours in the first place.

    Btw thanks for mentioning me and my jokes exclusively :) arey don't scratch your head, you wrote "we all were busy laughing and cracking jokes! " see CRACKING jokes ;)

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    1. HUGS to you tooooooooo <3

      Arre ha re how can I not mention you dahling... after all what is Indiblogeshwaris without your cracking laughter :D

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  4. And it requires a lot of courage to throw out those cobwebs. Well done Privy. Cheers.
    www.bbsearchingself.wordpress.com

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    1. True Bhagyashree :)

      Thanks so much dear... cheers to you tooooooo!

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  5. Hugs Privy. This was such a heartfelt post. I am so glad you are lettign all the negativity and guilt go ! Its been so good to connect to you at Indiblogeshwaries !

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    1. Hugs back to you Ruchira :)

      Same here dear... glad to have met you too<3

      Love and hugs

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  6. Awesome Privy..! May your courage light the path for many who are still groping in the dark silences of their undeserved guilt.

    You made me tear up today girl! And you know, don't you? You are beautiful.

    xoxo
    Dagny

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    1. Amen Dagny :)

      Yessssss thanks for that lovely reminder yesterday <3

      Love you loads.

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  7. hugs, hugs, hugs...my sweet Privy...hugging you to overwhelm all those touches, to push out and occupy all those crevices...hugs and hugs again...

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    1. And loads of hugs back to you tooooooo Bhavana... thanks so much dear <3

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  8. Never knew about this, Privy. {{hugs}} so happy to be in a wonderful group like the Indiblogeshwaris with you!

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    1. True Roshni even I never knew I could do this someday :)

      Same here <3

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  9. To come out and say that to the world is an indication that you have healed. Hugs and love dear...you are strong and courageous.

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    1. I agree Janu and yes it took me a lot of courage.. I was almost crying when I wrote all this one month back and I continued reading it every day to get it deeply instilled into my system.

      Thanks so much :)

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  10. Tells how deeply you're in love with this little world of ours...lovely post :)

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    1. Oh yess.... I am madly in love <3

      Thanks so much:)

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  11. God bless ya <3

    It can be very difficult to forgive self for something we cannot fault ourselves for but redeem we must! Good luck, Namrata!

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    1. Thanks so much Kajal :)

      And yes I agree with you

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  12. Oh, this is wonderful Me! Nice post for this amazing group...Happy birthday...:)

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  13. Beautiful, Privy.. it takes the daring of a true blue survivor to announce this. Loads of hugs to you.. :)

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    1. Thanks dear :)

      Tight HUGS back to you too <3

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  14. And yes, I'm wondering.... which one is ME in this collage...:)

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    1. Can you guess.... if you cannot lemme know... will let you know ;)

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    2. Mmmm...if your picture is really there then the bespectacled one...at the centre??

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  15. A very eye opening article. Happy that you have got rid of the guilt conscious forced on you all these years.

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    1. Thanks Ramakant.. I guess it was high time I did that :)

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  16. Blessings to you, Privy. I wish you happiness. Want you to know we're proud of you for being such a brave girl. With love, Vidya

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    1. Thank you so much Vidya :)

      Loads of love and hugs to you too <3

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  17. Privy , U r a brave girl to forgive yourself for you never ever wanted it to happen but the circumstances were beyond your control.I closed the doors of my mind............ so emotional. Hats off to you ,dear.

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    1. Thanks so much Kalpana :)

      Believe me I was not brave at that time. I was a scared timid girl but circumstances pushed me to become like this leaving me with no choice.

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  18. CSA is a terrible thing and I feel very strongly about it. April was spent in creating awareness posters on my blog regarding this topic. http://www.chaptersfrommylife.com/p/stop-child-abuse.html The worst part is the guilt the child goes through. I am so glad you came out of the vicious emotions. It takes a lot of strenght to share this on a blog. Hats off to you...

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    1. I remember having read about April being celebrated like this somewehre.

      Will surely go through your blog Farida, thanks so much for dropping by!

      And loads of hugs to you for we derive strength from each other in many ways.

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  19. Hi Privy,

    Great post. Sorry I just don't like the sound of few words including nice -- which I feel is a lazy word just like Very. Hence I am saying great post.

    P.S. I noticed that you are on indiblogger as well and my team member at IBL. Do visit my blogs at wordpress.

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    1. Hey Swati,

      Thanks so much dear for those lovely words. Glad to know you are a part of the team.. will surely hop on!

      :)

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  20. I am glad you have finally forgiven yourself. You have come a long way and I so admire the fight you have put up. Let this be an inspiration for others too who are CSA survivors. Much love to you..

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    1. Dhanya sometimes in life we are not left with any options but to fight..... and yes I want to be an inspiration for none of them was at fault

      Loads and loads of love to you! <3

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  21. Touched by this post Privy !
    Wish u all happy days , strength and the power to overcome hurdles
    loads of love and goodluck
    Love the spirit in the poem

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    1. THanks so much Afshan :)

      Loads of good wishes to you too <3

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  22. Well done Privy. I am so proud of you. Wishing you happiness and joy every single day. And of course tons of Indiblogeshwari madness.

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    1. Thanks so much Jyothi :)

      And that madness is something I really need a lot to keep myself sane.

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  23. I am so glad you could finally forgive yourself. Hugs to you. You are a brave one.

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    1. Thanks so much Shail :)

      HUGS <3

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  24. Wish you more positivity , more healing and more love Privy ..love you courageous girl ...A big hug to erase those memories away ...

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    1. Hugs hugs and more hugs to you too Sridevi !

      Thanks so much for these lovely wishes...

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  25. You are a brave person and a survivor! It was very courageous of you to overcome your experience and share it. Hugs, sending you a lot of good vibes.

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    1. Chatty Wren I dont know if I was courageous but yes I knew I owned this to myself and no body else. I had to do it and so here I am

      Hugs to you too...<3

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  26. I am so glad you did what you had to do and got rid of the guilt. I feel so proud to know you. Shine bright and turn into a blossoming flower radiating love, life and laughter for you deserve it and spread the fragrance so that others can learn from you!

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    1. Thanks Farida, and all this comes from all your lovely people out there who pour out strength not by words but by their actions..

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  27. Oh my God. Hugs, lots of love. This took courage, I am sure. Yes, its not your fault, it never was.

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    1. Hugs back to you too Ritu :)

      Easy is was not but yes people like you around me surely made it all a bit comfy as I remember all the talks we used to have there!

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  28. Wow... It was as if I was reading pages off my life...

    I'm still not sure if I've forgiven myself completely, but I'm in the process. I've to keep telling myself that it wasn't my fault.

    Thanks Privy for this wonderful post! Helps me in my process :)

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    1. Hugs Purnima <3

      Loads and loads of them. For I know if you are in the process the battle is half won :)

      Wishing you all the best for winning this one.

      I am glad I could do my bit, glad to be connected with you.

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  29. Forgiving oneself is the hardest thing to do. But once done it is liberating. You go girl. Hugs and love.

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    1. True Suzy the process was very painful but today when I look back I feel it was worth it.

      HUGS to you toooooooo <3

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  30. We must learn to shed the wrong for no fault of ours and swim to anew shore of hopes.

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  31. Hugs Privy!
    It takes courage and lots of effort to forgive ourselves. And forgiving ourselves is the best gift we can give to us. I am glad that you are in the process and I wish that wonderful experiences come in your life:):)

    Thanks for always being a support:)
    Love you for all that you are to me:) <3 <3

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    1. Love you loads too dear....<3

      Yes it does take courage but when you are surrounded by love from all sides the journey becomes easier.

      HUGS

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  32. it requires guts to shed everything and write what you have just done...commendable and i'm glad you chose to get rid of the word 'guilty' and to love yourself more than what you have ever done and i know how much you love the word 'love'
    stay blessed always :)
    hugs {{{{}}}}

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    1. :)

      It always feels good to finally accept yourself after all the noise has gone down for then what remains is the real YOU!

      Thanks so much!

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