Thursday, November 01, 2012

Confessions of a confused soul – 2

Source: Google Images


I love being on the MOVE. Well that is what I have been doing till now. Born in one city, grown up in other, attended school and went to college in third and now working in the fourth. I love this change. Maybe it has got to do something with my sun sign (I am a Gemini!). But I also love the newness this brings along with it. I am very attached to these four places as I feel there is part of me which I have left behind with them. And that is the reason when I am maha-upset all I do is visit any one of these places. 

It gives me a sense of belonging. I might not meet anyone whom I know in the city and just wander on the streets. The feeling of being there, inhaling that air….. I actually feel the city hugging me back, just like a mother would to a child who comes to her every time he/she faces some trouble. Like I often say I don’t carry any pleasant memories of my childhood but I do have some wonderful memories of my growing up and coming of age in these cities as there I learnt some of the most crucial lessons of life. Last week I was travelling to one of these cities as things were not going great and I badly needed a break. Not only did I come back rejuvenated I also learnt some new lessons.

Each one comes into our life to teach us something. Everytime someone came that person took away a part of Me as they left chipping me away piece by piece. Couple of years ago I had reached a stage where there was nothing left in Me to be taken away and survival seemed more like a question mark. It is then I undertook a journey - a journey of trying make myself whole and complete again. And I felt I had succeeded to a large extent. Years later today when someone once left from my life that person had nothing to take away on leaving. The only thing that happened was it left me shaken.

"Being shaken and trying to regain my composure is much easier than being broken and not knowing where your missing pieces lay "- Me 

My thoughts – Some weeks ago:

I have witnessed and experienced it all – Extra marital affairs, homosexuality, CSA, marital rape, divorce, domestic violence, suicide, death etc and have survived it too. Nothing on this earth can shake me anymore. I have consciously worked on my inner beliefs and made myself a complete being who is at peace with everything around her.

My thoughts -2 weeks ago:

The feeling of being vulnerable is so overwhelming. I never knew I could be shocked and disturbed so badly that I could barely make a conversation with someone without crying. I have not been like this in ages. Yet today all I can feel is a sense of emptiness within as if all the efforts of these many years were futile. Am I really so hollow?

My thoughts – Last week:

I meditated a lot as I wanted to feel that calmness very badly inside me. There was something burning inside me and that heat was unbearable. In those meditations I went back to all those stages of my life which defined me. These things are long buried in the forgotten lanes of past. I was confused as to what made all of them come up suddenly like a storm which has shaken the roots of my existence. 

My thoughts – NOW:

I learnt all the pain is coming back just to leave forever this time. It is like a caterpillar who has two options - undergo the pain to be a beautiful butterfly or chose to be the caterpillar all his life. It is this pain which will take me to the real Me.

I am at peace once again as I realised this incident was an important lesson. There are still many emotional holes to be plugged. There is a lot of homework that still needs to be done so that I become what I want to be – A complete human being. Though I have always been told that I come across as a very strong individual I learnt that there is still a lot of strength that needs to be gathered even now. And though I felt I have grown up now, there is a lot of growing up that remains to be done yet.

Having concluded that I am now on a new journey - on the move - trying to live these lessons!

Source: Google Images
P.S: This post has been published in Kaleidoscope Ezine's January 2013 issue.

2 comments:

  1. Have been reading some of your blog posts (mostly the older ones 2012) and I am delighted to say these are wonderful. One thing thats common to all is the honesty in the writing. I liked this post so much that I couldnt stop myself from dropping in a comment. You appear to be a noble soul. .please keep your good work on and always remember to be YOU and don't let the adversities overshadow the real YOU.

    BABA bless !!

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    Replies
    1. It is very overwhelming to read this truly :')

      For every writer these words mean a lot. I cannot thank you enough for them. Thank you so so so much for stopping by and leaving this for me. I will cherish it and yes it goes to my wall of fame to adorn it and remind me everytime I fidget with writing as to why should I be doing it.

      Amen to your words and wishing you all the best in all that you do in life! Take care :)

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